You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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