did you get engaged???
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
