when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize