I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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