Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
