all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
