When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
