You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
