i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
