I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
