Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
