I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
