this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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