You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
