Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
