Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
