This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize