Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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