So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
