im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Randomize
