I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize