there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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