he puts the penis in happiness.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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