I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
