I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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