GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
