I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)