He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
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words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome