We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life