You work out of a Hotel?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
