i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
