pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
