any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
