He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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