I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the day after is always just damage control
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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