O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
