Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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