My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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