2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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