help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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