There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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