I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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