new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
