I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
