i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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