i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
