Got a toothbrush?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
