My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
