and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
