Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
