I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
