Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
