i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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