guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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