the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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