the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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