Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
